I don't really wish to say this, but somehow, I can't help but feel pretty down these days. Not that much to say that I'm emo (gosh I can't believe I'm using that word man) though. It's just...feeling kind of sian and down.

I didn't have a problem with her when I was in primary school. Back then, I felt that she was giving me more freedom than compared to my friends. I was always allowed to go out. There wasn't a time where she said no. On the other hand, my friends always had the problem where their parents didn't allow them to even go to each other's houses. Back then, I was happy with the amount of freedom that I had. Heck, I even got my first handphone at the age of 10. That was the amount of freedom I had.

But now, I still have the same amount of freedom I once had at the age of 10. The amount of freedom I have now is so little compared to all my peers. I used to laugh at the nerds/bookworms/pia kias for not having a life. Looking at how I am living my life now, I realise I'm not any better compared to them.

I have no idea why, but lately it has occured to me that she can be v controlling. I'm not allowed to go out when I request to. She says no to most of the things so I might as well not ask at all. In fact, I used to share everything with her. Everything. Now, I don't even feel like talking much to her. I don't want that to happen though. I hate it when I hear of other ppl having bad relationships with their parents. I can't believe that this is happening to me too.

I don't wanna talk back to her, though I really feel like it at times. I walk around the shopping mall alone even when I'm out with my parents. They enter shops that I'm not at all interested in. Like G2000 and jewellery shops. There's nothing for me to look at there. I am super sian-ed whenever they go into such shops. When I walk into one that I feel like going into, she refuses to go in with me. She feels that I'm about to spend money that is unecessary. She feels that I do not know what is worth buying. She feels that she is not interested in what I'm interested in, so she might as well stay outside the store. I enter shops that are not of their interest, so they'd rather stay outside. When I find something that catches my eye, I turn back to see if they're around to tell them about it. Everytime I'm excited over something, wanting to share with them, they're not there most of the time. Or she'd frown and say no. Such that whenever they ask me if I wanna buy anything, I'd choose to say no. I hate the feeling of being rejected when I request to buy something. And it's not like the things that I buy are that expensive. I don't know...maybe others reading this right now might feel that I'm just being materialistic. But the truth is, I'm not. I'd rather go shopping with her just like any other mum and daughter would, trying on clothes/shoes together, looking at bags and stuff together. It actually hurts me whenever I look at such a common scence in the shopping mall. Because I know I'd never have that experience.

I am nagged at when I wish to go shopping for clothes. When I try them on, she puts me down with her comments by saying that I don't have the tiao jian to wear such clothes. I don't look nice in it. She feels I should just go out with a simple tee shirt and long pants, since I dont have the tiao jian to wear shorter pants. When I knew that I had lost 2.4 kg, I came home excitedly to tell her that I couldn't believe I was so fat last year and that I was happy to shed off that amount of weight. She looked at me and said, "then now u think u not fat meh?"

I'm losing everything. I'm losing the freedom that I once enjoyed in my childhood. I'm losing the enjoyment of going out with them on Saturday nights, which I once enjoyed. I'm losing the thought of having a wishlist, because I know she'd most probably say no. I'm losing the happiness of having her around to accompany me. I'm losing the care and concern that I should have from her. I'm losing the rights of how a child should be pampered ocassionally by their parents. Most importantly, I'm worried that if this continues, I would gradually lose my love for her.

I know I'm not a good daughter but surely..it wouldnt hurt to say something to make me happy once in a while? For once, to stop saying that whatever I want to buy means wasting money, for once, to not put me down with comments like I'm fat or dun have nice legs, even though I know I don't. For once, to stop telling me to do housework on Saturdays which are so precious to us students to rest.

For the first time, I feel like I'm being controlled. Where is the freedom I once enjoyed when I was young? Maybe this is the reason that drives me to work harder this year. Working harder would give me an excuse not to have to talk to her. Study more, because that keeps me busy and away from such thoughts. Exercise more, because I am fat and I don't look good. Do more housework, iron my own uniform every week, clean my own room, mop the floor and clean the computer, even though she's a housewife. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm spoiled and unwilling to help out. It's the feeling that even your own mum doesn't understand how tired you are, to let u rest and be rid of such chores that hurts. Haven't tried that, have you? To have a mum who doesn't understand and all.

I won't be surprised if I get more and more down these days. Probably in the next entry I'd say that I'm emo already. I really...don't know. I wasn't prepared for this day. I never thought it would come. But it has.