I don't really wish to say this, but somehow, I can't help but feel pretty down these days. Not that much to say that I'm emo (gosh I can't believe I'm using that word man) though. It's just...feeling kind of sian and down.

I didn't have a problem with her when I was in primary school. Back then, I felt that she was giving me more freedom than compared to my friends. I was always allowed to go out. There wasn't a time where she said no. On the other hand, my friends always had the problem where their parents didn't allow them to even go to each other's houses. Back then, I was happy with the amount of freedom that I had. Heck, I even got my first handphone at the age of 10. That was the amount of freedom I had.

But now, I still have the same amount of freedom I once had at the age of 10. The amount of freedom I have now is so little compared to all my peers. I used to laugh at the nerds/bookworms/pia kias for not having a life. Looking at how I am living my life now, I realise I'm not any better compared to them.

I have no idea why, but lately it has occured to me that she can be v controlling. I'm not allowed to go out when I request to. She says no to most of the things so I might as well not ask at all. In fact, I used to share everything with her. Everything. Now, I don't even feel like talking much to her. I don't want that to happen though. I hate it when I hear of other ppl having bad relationships with their parents. I can't believe that this is happening to me too.

I don't wanna talk back to her, though I really feel like it at times. I walk around the shopping mall alone even when I'm out with my parents. They enter shops that I'm not at all interested in. Like G2000 and jewellery shops. There's nothing for me to look at there. I am super sian-ed whenever they go into such shops. When I walk into one that I feel like going into, she refuses to go in with me. She feels that I'm about to spend money that is unecessary. She feels that I do not know what is worth buying. She feels that she is not interested in what I'm interested in, so she might as well stay outside the store. I enter shops that are not of their interest, so they'd rather stay outside. When I find something that catches my eye, I turn back to see if they're around to tell them about it. Everytime I'm excited over something, wanting to share with them, they're not there most of the time. Or she'd frown and say no. Such that whenever they ask me if I wanna buy anything, I'd choose to say no. I hate the feeling of being rejected when I request to buy something. And it's not like the things that I buy are that expensive. I don't know...maybe others reading this right now might feel that I'm just being materialistic. But the truth is, I'm not. I'd rather go shopping with her just like any other mum and daughter would, trying on clothes/shoes together, looking at bags and stuff together. It actually hurts me whenever I look at such a common scence in the shopping mall. Because I know I'd never have that experience.

I am nagged at when I wish to go shopping for clothes. When I try them on, she puts me down with her comments by saying that I don't have the tiao jian to wear such clothes. I don't look nice in it. She feels I should just go out with a simple tee shirt and long pants, since I dont have the tiao jian to wear shorter pants. When I knew that I had lost 2.4 kg, I came home excitedly to tell her that I couldn't believe I was so fat last year and that I was happy to shed off that amount of weight. She looked at me and said, "then now u think u not fat meh?"

I'm losing everything. I'm losing the freedom that I once enjoyed in my childhood. I'm losing the enjoyment of going out with them on Saturday nights, which I once enjoyed. I'm losing the thought of having a wishlist, because I know she'd most probably say no. I'm losing the happiness of having her around to accompany me. I'm losing the care and concern that I should have from her. I'm losing the rights of how a child should be pampered ocassionally by their parents. Most importantly, I'm worried that if this continues, I would gradually lose my love for her.

I know I'm not a good daughter but surely..it wouldnt hurt to say something to make me happy once in a while? For once, to stop saying that whatever I want to buy means wasting money, for once, to not put me down with comments like I'm fat or dun have nice legs, even though I know I don't. For once, to stop telling me to do housework on Saturdays which are so precious to us students to rest.

For the first time, I feel like I'm being controlled. Where is the freedom I once enjoyed when I was young? Maybe this is the reason that drives me to work harder this year. Working harder would give me an excuse not to have to talk to her. Study more, because that keeps me busy and away from such thoughts. Exercise more, because I am fat and I don't look good. Do more housework, iron my own uniform every week, clean my own room, mop the floor and clean the computer, even though she's a housewife. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm spoiled and unwilling to help out. It's the feeling that even your own mum doesn't understand how tired you are, to let u rest and be rid of such chores that hurts. Haven't tried that, have you? To have a mum who doesn't understand and all.

I won't be surprised if I get more and more down these days. Probably in the next entry I'd say that I'm emo already. I really...don't know. I wasn't prepared for this day. I never thought it would come. But it has.

Yo ppl. (Yo ho yo ho the pirate's life for me)

It's a fine Saturday morning and I just came back from a morning run. Woke up at about 840, then I decided to go running. I had wanted to go running all holiday, but I didn't! Perhaps it was cos of pe lesson yesterday? Tan made us run two rounds and while I was running I realised my stamina had went down alot, but nevertheless I love the feeling of having sweat all over after you finish running. That means CALORIES BURNT! Wahaha! Anyway, it may be due to that, or it may be due to yesterday's height and weight measurement. Okay i didn't grow any taller so you girls out there can stop cursing, but I did slim down! By 2.4 kg! That's quite alot to me! I didn't even think that I had slimmed down at all. Haha. So, I wanted to keep it up till I met my target weight. Initially (when I hadn't lost any weight), my goal was to shed off 5.6kg. Now, I'm 3.2 kg away from it! AHHH! Better work harder.

As a start I'm eating lesser than I used to. It kind of works I guess because although I did feel a bit hungry in the holidays, I soon got used to it and my appetite has really became smaller. So I eat alot less now but yet I don't really feel hungry. That's good news!

Btw, my BMI is a freaking 18.4! It used to be 16+ okay!

Ok ok I better stop talking about my weight.

So far, we've had two days of lessons and yet I'm already feeling the pressure. Ok, half of the pressure is caused by myself because I didn't complete my holiday homework so I'm chiong-ing now. Nevertheless, I'm sure everybody can already sense the pressure and all that's coming up. For a start, my class is super suay because I've asked around and even classes like 4J whose timetable ended about the same time as us last year gets to go home early this year! (Their latest release time is 2+!) Even 4A doesn't have to stay back as late as us! (Even though I think they would on their own accord) Anyway, my class has to stay till 5pm on every Thurs for bicultural! That sucks! Rah!

On Thurs which was the first day of actual lessons, I pia-ed home and reached at about 6pm. Then, I went on to shower and eat my dinner and continued to pia the overdue and new homework. Piaed till about 11, slept at 1130. But I must say that I've proven to myself that I'm able to pia homework as well if I wish to. Completed quite alot of work in that few hours.

I don't have any new year resolutions this year but I am definitely going to push myself harder. Last year's GPA was not good at all, it was only a borderline pass! Definitely have to work harder man, for subjects like Math and Bio. Which I'm extremely weak in. Hmm. But I think for subjects like Clit, Geog and Bicultural, I hope to be able to use them to pull my grades up. Though they weren't that bad last year, I defintely didn't push myself to the max. This year I hope to be able to!

So I've got to pia more and stop getting distracted by the stupid computer. Hmm. The feeling of pia-ing is tiring but it also gives you a sense of achievement because you know your time was spent wisely. It's like making your days very chong1 shi3. Have to work harder! And stop feeling so tired all the time.

Another important point to note is that I've to prevent myself from falling sick all the time! I know I have an extremely weak body because I fall sick ever so often. So I've to try to make myself healthier!

Hmm, that's it I guess. Nothing much to blog already. Haha. Except that I'm still pretty not used to the new uniform. It's like so ACJC pls! Rah. RV is still the same. Nothing much to say le..bye!