Personal

I don't know why but I had a sudden urge to blog.

I wonder if there's even anyone reading this pathetic blog. Well I don't care if there is or not. I realise everytime I have something really personal or critical, I don't blog about it. Because I think it's too personal - duh? As for being critical, that's because people judge. I don't deny being one of those annoying people who read others' blogs annonymously (I don't even know many of them personally) and have many remarks appearing in my head. But heck, that's how life works rite? We judge one another when we don't actually know them. So fuck it, I shall just express whatever I want here, if I feel like it.

Now that I've decided to do that, there are so many issues in my mind I don't know where to start from.

Maybe I should just start with something on my mind. Restrictions. It's been on my mind for soooooo long. It's like an old friend. Since a certain some time ago, I started to wonder. I started to know, what kind of a person I may be like and what I wanted to experience. I started to want. I gather I want to be someone with a happening life. Happening not in the conventional way but rather, someone to live a life that others would be envious about. You know, how we always go "I hate people who get scholarships" or "I hate people who are good in math and science." But deep down we actually have this feeling of envy? Yes, I want to break out from that. I want to be able to really say "Hey I suck at math but SO WHAT?" or "I love CSC and CLL but I'm just really too lazy to pick up the books to mug for exams." I want to be truthful to myself. I want to be able to fail with pride. But pride...that is a difficult word. I used to be able to fail every math test and laugh it off. Now, I try to talk about it as light heartedly as possible too - but it's more of a barrier. To avoid the awkward feel. To know that others are much better than you and that you want to pretend you are actually prefectly alright with that.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm still stuck in the boundaries/restrictions of so many things. Results. The general consensus that grades matter. Pride. The feeling of knowing you would lose out to others when you actually don't want to. But it's not that I mind, if only the society didn't mind.

And thus I fall into a cycle. And it shapes who I become today. Feeling restricted all over. The invisible barrier between who I appear to be and who I really am. What I want/like to do and what I actually do. I am awfully and painfully aware of the fact that who I am today is not who I actually meant to be. I'm not someone who disapproves. I'm not someone who studies. I'm not someone who can't have fun.

Of course it's not that I'm not who I am at all today. But I wanna tear the walls down. I want to be me. And don't freaking tell me it is easy/possible because it isn't. I've been trying, and I'm still trying.

Trust me, it isn't easy.